In the wild anything goes: there are no rules, there is no system and, most importantly, every creature has their chance to flourish amidst nature’s glorious spectacle. In the sprawling, vast plains we hunt; under the dense, lush canopies we linger; and in the seedy undergrowths we seek to find another of our kind. As humans we often like to entertain some sort of utopian, liberal idea where we have emancipated ourselves from the animal kind and that we are, in actual fact, a new being – one that has a soul, a heaven and a destined purpose. The harsh and sobering truth is that we are far from any of that. Every day we act on impulses continuing to ‘hunt’ and eat millions of animals whilst then scurrying off into the night in search of a mating partner – sometimes these two processes are even combined as hoards of humans flock to kebab shops nationwide after a night out. So let’s not kid ourselves: at the end of the day we’re all still soul-less animals united in the purpose of creating more soul-less animals for the future. This is predominantly the responsibility that falls on the slouching, shoulders of the male community – the animals who have to hunt for a mate rather than be the hunted. In the light of such cataclysmic burdens, I will now address the billions of male creatures world-wide as we discuss the notions, patterns and strategies of finding a mating partner in a typical 21st-century club. Case Study: The Colly – in Coventry, England.
The Three Shades
For the last few years now, masses of rigorous scientific tests have been carried out on the female kind as to ascertain what exactly it is that causes them to respond to a male’s mating calls. Animalistic in nature, these calls tend to be referred to as ‘planting seeds’ – the exact operations of such involving processes such as strong eye contact, exponential interaction and tribal, dance mating calls. Females (who will now be referred to as ‘female objects’ as to rid all problematic considerations such as individuation and personalities) are generally gregarious in nature; they enjoy being around the company of males in a club but don’t necessarily interact with them. It is down to the ‘Three Shades‘ that determines the level of interaction the female objects will rise to. As products of their environments, certain environments will produce different chemicals in their brains. Through empirical research these chemicals have been assigned into three colours; and these three colours and levels of chemicals adjust the chances of mating – particularly in a nightclub such as The Colly. Here, study these shades in the mating map below.
As is evident, on the sprawling plains and hunting lands of The Colly, there are certain environments where males have a greater chance to find a mating partner. The female objects tend to congregate and loiter across the whole of the nightclub, but if you get one of them into a red zone then the chances of interaction soon rise circumstantially. What’s more, get an object alone in one of the vibrant yellow zones, then, well, you can expect high levels of interaction. The areas selected here have been determined through ethnography and the application of scientific tests of female object’s brains. Scientists had this to say on the matter:
“It’s clear that many female objects on nights-out take into mind very specific considerations when selecting a mating partner. For males to ‘get piece’ they must find the environments where female object’s brains are happy with; these areas tend to evoke elements of ‘secretiveness’, ‘comfort’ and ‘darkness‘. For example, if we study the mating map of the Colly, we can see that the majority of red and yellow zones are places that are dark, out of the way or have certain seating arrangements. These are all positive environments for female objects to interact with males in”.
After frequently visiting The Colly nightclub purely in the motives of research, I certainly had to say there was a strong correlation with the elements and theories the scientists purposed. The blue zones were full of conspicuous characters that stood aimlessly batting their eyelids, whilst the stronger red and yellow zones were full of promiscuous female objects answering the male’s mating calls. To develop these ‘Three Shades’ further, we can take to the steps and pilgrimage to the upstairs of The Colly nightclub where one male recently testified: “Mate, i’ve had a handjob up there – make of that what you will”.
This snapshot of mating activity within the upper level of The Colly nightclub immediately resonates the thesis put forward by scientists looking at how environments adjust the mating interaction of female objects. The elements of ‘Darkness’ and ‘Comfort’ are manifested here as we see how the areas that are out of the way and have seating arrangements are drenched in yellow. In particular, the seedy and sheltered booths (that are referred to above) encapsulate the elements of darkness, secretiveness and comfort – where all three combine to produce extremely high levels of mating activity. I’ve personally heard many a story from those shady areas; many of which are not appropriate to be repeated – at least in their truthful form.
At the end of the working day, nightclubs such as The Colly serve as a metaphor to remind us all of what we really are. Please let’s not continue these mystical ideologies where we believe that we’re something more to this planet other than animals; we will never be the god-like creatures we believe ourselves to be. We are simply animals that are looking to eat, mate and produce more little animals. The yellow zone of The Colly goes further than those alcohol-drenched walls; it is something that is universal – embedded, enmeshed and entwined deep within us all. We are all animals brazing this glorious planet in search of those magical yellow zones. So if The Colly ever offered any advice on the mystique of life, then it well and truly is:
Get In That Yellow Zone And Continue The Human Race, You Seedy Bastards.